Be · Not · Afraid...

I am so tired, but in a good way, because I had a fabulous day!  I nearly finished the kitty ear hat I have owed a friend for half a year.  I found that yarn shop I couldn't find yesterday (because google maps lies: railroad tracks and bike trails should not have the same map symbol).  It's one of the best--if not the best--yarn shop I've ever been in, and I purchased some wine-coloured yarn to make gloves.  The only downside is that it's quite far away, especially by bike.  I also managed to print some important forms I need for the job interview I have Monday at a temp agency, and pick up some matcha powder for cookie baking.  The ride back to the apartment was difficult because I was tired, hungry, and pedalling into a headwind, but I made it.  Later, I went to the store for more cookie baking things.  I also finally got my Battlestar Galactica Season 4 Soundtrack in the mail and it. is. AMAZING.  I have not actually purchased a physical CD in ages, but this one was worth it.  Wow.  

I did do some baking.  The Russian Tea Cakes/Mexican Wedding Cakes turned out great.  The green tea shortbread with white chocolate ganache...not so much.  It didn't help that my dough wouldn't flatten out without crumbling, and that I found the ganache disgusting (white chocolate + heavy cream = ewwwww) but it was worth a shot.  

Despite being really exhausted and having one failed episode of cookie baking, today was almost perfect.  I can only think of a few (realistic) things that could have made it better.  =)

So, after a good cry the initial wave of despondency over my rejection has passed.  I still can't help but feel a tad hopeless, though.  Epic felt like a good fit for me because they make a point of hiring many new college grads.  While I sent off 15 new job applications through an internet service today, I don't feel particularly optimistic about hearing back from any of them.  I'm now competing with other people who have way more work experience than I do.  I am stuck in the old Catch-22 of job seeking: I can't get a job without experience, but I can't get experience because no one will give me a job.  I am particularly angered by the fact that the people at Epic wouldn't tell me why they wouldn't hire me.  I feel like all I got from all the waiting and jumping through hoops I did for them was one free lunch.  I don't even get to take away a lesson that helps me become a better job candidate in the future. 

This week might get harder still.  My roommate is waiting to hear back from his interview for what amounts to, essentially, his dream job.  While I'd be very happy for him if he got this job, there's a catch: he'd likely move to New York.  I'd be stuck living by myself in Madison with no job prospects in the immediate future.  I am terrified to live alone.  I was perfectly happy in a single at Lawrence, because if I ever got lonely I could easily walk five minutes and visit people, or go to the library or the Con and have instant company.  It's a lot harder in the real world, especially since driving is often involved and I lack a car.  I dread being alone, because it means isolation, and being left with my own silence as my standard companion.  I still want him to get the job, though, because I want my friend to be happy, and I'm sure I'd do the same in his position.  Even so: would anyone want to come live with me in Madison if I found myself sans roommate?  Cramming 2 people into this apartment is a bit interesting, since there's technically only one bedroom.  But, the downstairs is big enough to act as a second bedroom, which is what we've been doing. 

I have at least done one good thing for myself today.  I sent off an email requesting an audition with the Madison Symphony Chorus.  The audition is more of a placement test than an actual we-will-probably-turn-you-away sort of audition, since I got the impression that the chorus takes all comers.  They probably just want to figure out voice types and all that.  I am also looking to see if I can start playing trumpet in my Grandmother's church.  I haven't really practiced since school let out, so I'd have to get back in shape.  But, I'd be playing music again, which would make my life just that much brighter. 

I have been baking from-scratch brownies to ease my jobless pain, although, I'm thinking the wine in the fridge might be a bit better for drowning my sorrows in.  The amount of butter we go through in this apartment due to my baking is staggering. 

~I hate playing the waiting game.  I had my interview at Epic last Friday, and the person who interviewed me said they'd get back to me within the week.  Well, I've been waiting all week and I still haven't heard anything.  I'm starting to become a bit nervous that they won't hire me for some asinine reason, like because I took too long taking their math test, or I did poorly on their programming-related test even though they know I've never programmed before, or because I related one too many of my "overcoming hardships" stories to my experiences as a Conservatory student.   If tomorrow passes without any word, I will officially start panicking.  
~I want to go to ComicCon.  Unfortunately, I am in Wisconsin, and ComicCon is not.  
~  Whenever I get bored (which is a frequent condition due to my lack-of-job) I bake things.  The Strawberry Buttermilk Cake I made was delicious (I ate a third of it by myself in one sitting--here's the recipe: Cakey Goodness), my scones were also delicious (although slightly grey in colour: Scone-y Goodness), and my matcha cookies were tasty and interesting but I think I liked them better than anyone else did (biking out to find the matcha powder was a fun adventure: Weirdo Cookie Goodness). 
~Final Fantasy XII has been my chief form of entertainment lately.  It's a very pretty game, and I am mildly infatuated with Balthier (as infatuated as anyone can really be with a fictional character).  One thing that really annoys me about this game, however, is the lack of available save points.  You need to go away for an extended period of time while you're stuck in the middle of a desert?  Too bad!  No save for you!
~I hardly practice in the real world.  I miss rehearsals, practice rooms, and music professors.  I find myself wandering further and further from my musical roots as the days go on, causing me to feel aimless and bereft.  I imagine that I will need to make a pilgrimmage to the Con in the future.  

...of things on my mind:
~I am bloody sick of seeing wedding pictures of people I don't care about on Facebook.  Even taking the people in question off my friends list doesn't stem the tide.  Gah!
~Gurnee: a postmodern crisis in simulation and the grand narrative (re: the "American Dream") or a crappy town just South of the Wisconsin border?  Discuss. 
~I'm craving nigiri sushi.
~There are hundreds of jobs out there; mostly in accounting, nursing, the armed forces, corporate sales, IT, and truck driving.  Does anyone need a skilled writer/budding musicologist with theories on music and sci-fi and a specialty in snark?  Anyone?  It's ok, I'll be right here, if you change your mind.  Chillin'...or something. 
~My flair board rocks!  I am so accomplished...
~In addittion to being sleepy like the ferret, I am also spiny like the sea urchin.
~Anyone on the job front?  Anyone at all?  Don't be shy, I don't bite.  Anyone...?
~I have a great idea: so, a majority of eco-friendly clothing looks...how to put this, hippie-dippy.  Thus, people won't be inclined to buy it.  Afterall, who wants to pay $20+ for a t-shirt if you can't even wear it to work?  (Although, people seem inclined to wear all sorts of lazy clothing outside the friendly confines of their homes, but that's a rant for another time).  My idea: a boutique that sells environmentally friendly and fashionable clothes.  Now if only I had the slightest clue about the enreprenureal spirit. 
~Speaking of clothes, the mu-mu trend needs to end.  Just like the leggings-as-pants trend. 
~One great thing about moving back to Wisconsin: I'll have access to WPR again.  Huzzah!
~Another great thing about moving back to Wisconsin: Closer proximity to the mothershi--er, the Con. 
~A difficult thing about moving back to Wisconsin: Work!  Work?  Where are you? 

I recently returned from the Senior Honors Dinner, where I managed to net myself 2 awards.  I won the Tichenor Prize, for best critical essay. I submitted a paper entitled "Empowerment or Embodiment?  Feminine Sexuality in Gibson's Neuromancer and Scott's Blade Runner, which essentially concerns the conflicted, somewhat confused presentation of femininity in Cyberpunk Fiction.  My blurb in the program reads as follows:

In "Empowerment or Embodiment? Feminine Sexuality in Gibson's Neuromancer and Scott's Blade Runner," Sarah poses an innovative and essential question to the two most iconic  cyberpunk texts: whether cyberpunk projects empowered female characters or recycled traditional sexual mores against an ultra-modern, technological backdrop.  The analysis is insightful, exhaustive, and in dialogue with a range of critical perspectives

Professor Spurgin had alerted me to my victory earlier in the year, so I wasn't surprised.  I was still quite excited that my little essay on the portrayal of women in cyberpunk fiction (part of my larger intellectual interest/occasional rant on women and minorities in science fiction) gained some positive attention.  I was, however, pleasantly surprised by my second award: the Clyde Duncan Scholarship, which "goes to an upperclass student with broad interests and abilities that combine music with literature, aesthetics, and culture."  If there ever was an honor that summed up my current musicological interests, this would be it.  I was thrilled to be so honored in the first place, but as an added bonus, my awards gained me $1,300.  Essentially, Lawrence is giving me money for being awesome.  Huzzah!!

I am slightly worried, because I had to duck out of Orchestra to attend the dinner.  Maestro Becker was fine with other students leaving, but I wasn't aware that I was allowed to miss orchestra for this ceremony.  Thus, I didn't tell him I'd be leaving, and I only bowed out after some deliberation with my section leader, who said he'd cover for me.  I also wrote Dr. Becker an extremely apologetic email.  I'm very grateful to be playing on Mahler 1, so I'd be terribly distressed if he was angered by my absence.  I also had to cancel my voice lesson, which led to my teacher sarcastically proclaiming that he "didn't want to hear me sing anyway."

***

Speaking of the Con...we seem to (or at least are rumoured to, we haven't received the mass email yet) have come down with a confirmed case of Swine Flu.  EVERYBODY PANIC!!! Ok, are we through panicking?  Anyway, apparently someone has it and is under "quarantine"--how anyone can be quarantined with 3 other roommates is beyond me--and they canceled a jazz recital because said person was an assisting performer.  I feel much worse for the student giving the recital.  He now has to perform during finals week.  Personally, I am a little afraid of getting sick.  I do not fear for my life, but because if I were to catch it, I'd probably be pulled from both my last Wind Ensemble concert AND my Orchestra swan song concert.  Nothing, not even swine flu, will prevent me from performing Mahler 1.  I swear it.

***

As for post-Lawrence, plans are finally beginning to take on a vague, nebulous shape, which is more than I had a few months ago.  I'm not going to say much, but I am cautiously optimistic.  Now I must simply find an acceptable job.  Simple, right?

I don't know what I'm going to do musically.  My senior recital didn't go as well as it could have, which hurt me immensely.  Because my music means so much to me, the fact that the performance didn't go as well as I had hoped felt something very close to heartbreak.  I have learned through voice lessons (which I REALLY should have started 4 years ago) that I show marked talent and potential as a singer.  I've sort of latched on to the idea of becoming a better, more successful singer than a trumpet player, which often times strikes me as somewhat blasphemous.  Since I am young, I can still develop my abilities to a high level.  It is not useful to dwell on what could have been, although hearing my teacher tell me how I could have been a star of the conservatory, and even in the professional world, rankles a bit, considering how hard I've struggled with my principle instrument.  I still love it dearly.  But at some point I think there will be a choice.  What do I want to do with my musical performance?  What can I do with it?  Am I even good at it at all?  I would like some others besides my voice teacher to hear me, to get some other opinions.  However, I am shy in asking, and do not want to seem an arrogant upstart.  Even so, I am trying hard to keep an open mind.  

If I go to ACen next year, I will cosplay Austria from APH.  Most people who read this journal already know, but even so: you have been officially warned.  ; )

My keyboard is STILL broken, mostly because I haven't had the chance to go to the store and purchase a USB external one.  So, every "y" and "t" in this entry has been entered via the onscreen keyboard accessory.  When I don' use i' I acquire 'his ridiculous sor' of accen'.  M' compu'er 'hinks i's a drunk Sco' or Englishman.  'ha's wha' I ge' for spilling 'ea on 'he 'hing.  

Anyway...that's my super special awesome update. 
Cheers!

Sarah

So, while I was practicing today, my mind began to wander, and it settled on the peculiar subject of "nice boys."  Nice boys are the sorts of males complaining about how none of the women around them pay attention to them, despite their "nice" status.  After all, don't all straight women just want "nice" boys?  First of all, I think most of us grew out of "boys" around the age of 17.  Secondly, nice?  Come on, is that the best adjective you can think of to describe yourself?  "Nice" was the word we assigned to storybook characters back in kindergarten when our vocabularies were still limited by an inability to read.  Be clever, witty, interesting, eccentric--hell, be just-plain-weird--before you call yourself nice.  Nice is probably the most bland descriptor in the entirety of the English language.  It smacks of the mundane, of a lack of creativity, of the mediocre.  "Nice" makes me think of a house in the suburbs with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.  Of pre-sliced processed bread.  Of wood paneled station wagons.  Is describing yourself as nice supposed to excite me, intrigue me?  Honestly, you might as well introduce yourself as "Sir Mundane McBoringsalot."  And yes, that honorific makes no sense, but that's ok.  Yes, my aversion to good ole' dependable nice boys probably explains my inability to form successful long term relationships.  The fact that I'm even ranting about this probably makes me not a nice girl, but somehow, I'm ok with that. 

...On a total sidenote, "Nice boys need not apply" would be a good title for a folk rock album. 

Tsunderekko (Harsh Outside-Gentle Inside)
[x ] You come off as sort of aloof to other people.
[ ] In public, you intentionally refrain from showing much weakness.
[x ] You have a secret obsession with something cute (Hetalia anyone...).
[x] You pretend that you hate your crush even though you really love him/her (more accurately, I pretend to be aloof and/or teasing).
[x ] You blush when people point out your sensitivities.
[ ] You blush when people tell sexual jokes.
Total: 4

Yanderekko (Gentle Outside-Harsh Inside)
[ ] You’re very sweet and kind in public.
[ ] When romance becomes a topic of discussion, people say your personality changes drastically.
[ ] You know some sort of martial art, swordplay, or otherwise.
[ ] You have a crush who you’d literally kill for.
[x] You have a pet-peeve that makes you snap (chewing noises O_o).
[ ] Bipolar?
Total: 1

Meganekko (Girl-with-Glasses Character)
[x] You have glasses (obviously).
[x] You can sometimes be clumsy, ditzy, or absent-minded.
[ ] You are always very polite in your speech. (not always...I also have a mouth like a filthy sewer, especially when playing video games)
[x] You are fairly intelligent in some field.
[ ] You take discipline seriously.
[ ] You have some sort of fetish for something
Total: 3

Tsukkomi (Angry Guy)
[ ] You have a friend who often makes dumb or embarrassing remarks.
[ ] You smack/beat up this friend in some way.
[ ] You do your best to maintain a calm facade, only to be thwarted by this friend.
[ ] If you & your friend were a yin-yang, you’d be the “yang”.
[x] You swear a lot.
[ ] You try to bring out the more serious side of your ridiculous friend.
Total: 1

Boke (Dumb Guy)
[ ] You often make silly or embarrassing comments.
[ ] You like annoying the heck out of your best friend.
[ ] You often get beaten up by your friend in some way, but you take it in good stride.
[ ] If you & your friend were a yin-yang, you’d be the “yin”.
 [] You are normally very laidback and carefree.
[] You try to bring out the happier side of your angry friend.
Total: 0

Nadeshiko (Perfect Wife)
[ ] You are always, almost overly polite.
[ ] You love traditional Japanese culture (it's interesting, but love would be too strong a word).
[] You often wear either a kimono, yukata (summer cotton kimono), or apron. (I wear other Japanese stuff)
[x] You’re an excellent cook (I'm an excellent baker). 
[ ] You are hardly ever angry.
[ ] You have really long hair (it's not really long, so I doubt this counts). 
Total: 1

Tomboy Character
[ ] You feel comfortable in boy’s clothing.
[ ] You have short hair
[x] You have a crush whom you act friendly with rather than romantically (if I'm not being aloof...).
[ ] You are really good at sport/s. (not at all)
[ ] You are admired by girls and boys for your talents, though you’re sort of in denial.
[ ] You show your girly features on rare occasions.
Total: 1

Sexy Character
[ ] Your bust/package is...formidable (ummm.......).
[x] You like making sexual innuendos.
[ ] You encourage trips to the beach, pool, or onsen.
[ ] There are some sexual things that you are ignorant to or need explained to you.
[ ] You’re an expert cosplayer (I've never cosplayed so I don't know).
[ ] You like the taste of alcohol.
Total: 1

Lolita/Shota Character  (the opposite of me.)
[ ] You like sweets or chocolate.
[ ] You adore cute things and/or the word “kawaii”.
[ ] You use Japanese suffixes like “-chan,” “-tan,” “-sempai,” etc...
[ ] You add unnecessary suffixes to the ends of your sentences, like “nyo,” “nyu,” “un,” etc...
[ ] You are considered gullible or naive.
[ ] You have a tall/powerful friend who protects you.
Total: 0

Apparently I am atsunderekko, followed by a meganekko (large...cat?). 

Hetalia Meme


[x] You were bullied a lot in your childhood
[ ] You adore pasta, pizza, cheese, and fruit.
[ ] You're very happy-go-lucky
[ ] You constantly have a dozy look on your face as if you're always away with the fairies
[ ] You have a long curly strand of hair that always tends to stick up (or can be used as an erogenous zone, so if someone twiddles it, you'd get very embarrassed)
[ ] You're a good artist
[x] You can be clumsy at times
[ ] You have a friend you always depend upon if you mess up something
[] If your life was in danger, you would do the typical Italian thing and say: "PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I HAVE RELATIVES IN YOUR COUNTRY!"
[] You would surrender in a war situation

(2/10)

Germany (Ludwig)

[x] You're very stoic and serious(pretty much most of the time)
[ ] Sausages (in particular those of the wurst variety) are your favourite foods.
[ ] You like to walk dogs/your dog
[ ] Your boss/principal/tutor/home-room teacher is a nut-case.
[ ] You love rules and think they should always be followed to a T
[x] You think the world would be better if everyone played by the rules
[x] You work very hard
[x] Your alone time is your 'happy time' (alone time infringement = crankiness)
[x] You can appear tough but be very considerate towards people
[x] You've had issues with money once or twice

(6/10)

Japan (Kiku Honda)

[x] You're very mature
[x] You're quite sweet
[ ] You think everything over before saying it.
[ ] You believe in ghosts but aren't phased by the experience when you see one
[x] You isolated yourself during childhood
[x] You became very successful in a short amount of time
[x] You are somewhat inexperienced when it comes to the outside world
[x] You can seem cold/aloof to other people
[ ] You're good at practical tasks
[x] You need time to adjust to new people

(7/10)

The Allies

The United States of America (Alfred F. Jones)

[ ] You love hamburgers
[ ] You think you're awesome
[ ] You love to invent things
[ ] You love going to the cinema/watching films/making films
[ ] You can seem to be very brash to other people
[x] You have a tendency to stick your nose into other peoples' business
[ ] You're terrified of ghosts
[ ] You know aliens exist
[ ] You tend to wear a bomber jacket all the time
[x] You wear glasses

(2/10)

The United Kingdom of England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland (Arthur Kirkland)

[x] You like tea
[ ] You were quite tough and troublesome as a kid
[x] You're very sarcastic and cynical
[ ] Your cooking is awful
[x] You love spiritual magical stuff, such as fairies, ghosts...
[ ] ...But you refuse to believe in aliens.
[ ] You have tried doing black magic before
[x] You get drunk quite easily.
[x] When you are drunk, you tend to be very unhappy
[ ] You're good at embroidery

(5/10)

France (Francis Bonnefoy)

[ ] You're very affectionate
[ ] You think you have a great fashion sense
[x] You like wine
[ ] You're the master of whispering romantic things into peoples' ears
[ ] You love red roses
[ ] When it comes to l'amour, you don't mind men or women
[ ] You're very proud of yourself
[x] You love culture and the arts
[ ] You're very flamboyant
[ ] You say you're a gourmet

(2/10)

Russia (Ivan Braginski)

[ ] You had a very sad childhood.
[ ] You're very tall
[ ] You have a tendency to switch between personalities
[ ] You wear a scarf all the time
[ ] You love sunflowers
[ ] You love vodka
[ ] You can seem intimidating to other people
[ ] You're very strong
[ ] You have a big nose
[ ] You have a strange laugh that can scare people

(0/10)

China (Wang Yao)

[x] You're very mature
[ ] You're very superstitious
[ ] You're very religious
[ ] You love pandas
[ ] You love cooking so much that you nag if food has a certain pattern of tastes
[ ] You love Hello Kitty
[ ] You try to be a role-model for your brothers/sisters/whatever, but are never taken seriously.
[x] You work hard
[ ] You're good at drawing
[x] You like sweets

(3/10)

And now for some other countries!

Austria (Roderich Edelstein)

[x] You are very well-raised
[x] You're polite
[x] You love classical music
[ ] You like cake
[ ] You have a mole on your face
[x] You dedicate your time to your hobbies rather than what needs to be done right away
[x] You are a virtuoso/play very well on at least one instrument
[ ] You've composed music before
[x] You tend to call people 'morons' (Does "Idiot's" count?)
[x] You wear glasses

(7/10)

Canada (Matthew Williams)

[x] You're often ignored by people
[x] You look younger than you actually are
[ ] You love hockey
[ ] You love polar bears
[x] You hate fighting
[ ] You have one strand of curly hair, like Italy
[ ] You often get mistaken for someone else
[ ] You feel under-appreciated
[ ] You're bilingual
[ ] You always carry a bear with you

(3/10)

Cuba

[ ] You smoke
[ ] You're very physically strong
[] You've won a lot of fist-fights
[ ] In your social circle, there are two brothers - you get along with one, but not with the other.
[x] You have very strong emotions about a variety of topics
[] You like hot weather
[x] You can be very friendly from time to time
[] You look very tough on the outside
[ ] You make a very nice role-model
[ ] You don't let people get a word in edgeways

(2/10)

Hungary (Erszebet Hédeváry)

[x] You have a potty-mouth
[x] You like to wear flowers in your hair
[] You used to be a very tough kid
[x] You're very reliable
[x] It's better to have you as a friend rather than an enemy
[x] You're very faithful
[ ] Your speech and mannerisms can be considered very unladylike
[ ] You and your best friend go together like chalk and cheese. (ABUH?)
[x] You are graceful one moment and grinning like a maniac the next
[ ] If someone yells that yaoi is going on somewhere, you will drop everything to run off to go and see it.

(6/10)

Lithuania (Toris Lorinaitis)

[x] You're very loyal
[ ] You feel like your best friend drags you around a lot, but you both have a great time together
[x] You're very serious
[x] You have a lot of patience
[x] You think too much about philosophical stuff
[x] You get depressed when questioning the point of existing/the universe, etc..
[x] You're not very confident
[] You were quite rebellious as a child
[x] People tend to walk all over you
[x] You're a born worrier

(8/10)

Poland (Feliks Lucasiewocz)

[ ] You're very flamboyant
[ ] You're quite hyperactive
[x] You can be quite goofy
[ ] When you're depressed, you tend to rise out of it like a phoenix
[ ] You're very wary of strangers
[x] It takes you ages to come out of your shell
[x] However, when you're used to someone, you're very chatty (I am the thing that wouldn't shut up)
[ ] You're very forceful and stand at one end of the argument when it comes to your opinions
[ ] You love pansies and corn-poppies
[x] You get up to lots of crazy antics

(4/10)

Prussia (Gilbert Weillschmidt)

[] You're quite mean-spirited
[] You're a bit of a hooligan
[x] You're very loyal
[] You're very good at tactics
[ ] You hate Russia
[] You love to fight people
[x] You can avoid marriages quite well
[x] You're not always taken seriously
[x] You like drinking (Despite the fact that it makes me cranky at times...)
[] You want to become stronger

(4/10)

So apparently, I am most like Lithuania, then Austria and/or Japan. 

So, I've been back from England for less than a week, and the midwest sees it fit to welcome me with snow. GREAT BIG PILES! It's rather awful, and would likely be worse if I needed to drive anywhere. Good thing there's no place to go in Gurnee! Anyway, here is yet another list of thoughts regarding my various exploits:
~Heathrow airport is hilarious because it admits that it sucks. Seriously, there are signs all over the airport saying things such as, "We're working to make Heathrow an airport Britain can be proud of." Now, if only O'Hare had signs admitting that it's run by jerks...
~Sometimes, parents should still be allowed to sedate their children with opium. I came to this conclusion after sitting on a 10 hour flight with children. Who screamed. The entire time.
~I made bread today...and proceeded to eat tons of it.  
~I also watched Star Wars episodes IV and V.
~And knitted.
~Time well spent.  Best vacation day ever.  ^___^
~Han Solo is <3
~Gambit (see Liz's journal) is <3 <3
~I think I just like Roguish types...this may not bode well for me. 
~I fangirl REAL men.  None of these poofy, sparkly, rainbow-bright vampire types. 
~I laugh at people in love with Edward.  With extreme prejudice. 
~We do not mention the webcomic Elaine linked to.  Nope, no fangirling here *whistles innocently*  >.>
~I have ordered new glasses.  With plastic frames.  Glasses that I'm much less likely to break by being in the same general vicinity.
~I may try to get a job as an art model on campus.  If I get over the initial awkwardness of the whole thing.  But hey, it would likely do loads for my confidence, no?  Maybe?
~I must get back to England. 
~London is <3 <3 <3

My plane departs from Heathrow to O'Hare at 12:05PM, Greenwich Mean Time. My time is done, and I'm leaving London and returning to the States. I don't know what to feel. On one hand, I miss so many thing from home and Lawrence: my family, my friends, the conservatory, practice rooms, a bed that isn't horrible, food. But, whenever I think of some of the people I've met here, and some of the places I've explored, I feel very sad to go. London has left its impression on my heart, and to leave it hurts. I will return. Mark my words I will.

I thought I'd close with a terribly incomplete list of meaningful places and experiences. Of course, I can never do my time or my city justice with a simple list, but for now, it will do.

~Seeing War Requiem and Mahler 1 in concert
~Hiking up Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh
~Taking Lessons, and having a go on the natural (baroque) trumpet
~Walking Across the Jubilee Footbridge at night
~Learning to navigate London without a map
~Drinking Mocha and knitting in cafes
~Knitting Group
~Evensong in Westminster Abbey
~Exploring Carnaby Street
~Having a Guinness in an Irish pub
~Walking out of Westminster Tube station for the first time
~Feeling a sense of home in the Royal College of Music
~The Irish Coast
~Learning to be empowered
~Being brave enough to travel alone
~Getting over it
~Watching America elect Barack Obama
~Theater: Ivanov with Kenneth Branagh, and A Disappearing Number
~The British Museum
~Falling in and out of love with the Underground on a daily basis
~Being a Londoner

In my final wander around London today, I felt such joy in being alive, in being a tiny part of this city. I came here broken, and will leave transfigured.

Thank you.

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test


First Level of Hell - Limbo

Charon ushers you across the river Acheron, and you find yourself upon the brink of grief's abysmal valley. You are in Limbo, a place of sorrow without torment. You encounter a seven-walled castle, and within those walls you find rolling fresh meadows illuminated by the light of reason, whereabout many shades dwell. These are the virtuous pagans, the great philosophers and authors, unbaptised children, and others unfit to enter the kingdom of heaven. You share company with Caesar, Homer, Virgil, Socrates, and Aristotle. There is no punishment here, and the atmosphere is peaceful, yet sad.

My mind feels completely drained of all useful intellectual capacity. Although tenth week here is slightly less intense than tenth week there, it still doesn't mean I want to actually do my homework (thus, this update). I have about three more sentences to write and I'm done with theater work, but that still leaves one last British Life and Culture essay (not worried) and a ten page music research paper (worried). I can't even drag the unwilling words out of my protesting brain to finish my review and wash my hands of my bloody theater homework. I am rather ready to be done. Although I love London, I am missing several handfuls of people back in the states, as well as certain creature comforts, like clean clothes, a real kitchen, practice rooms, and a mattress where the springs (hopefully) don't stick into my back. Don't get me wrong, I am quite glad I came here for the term. The difficulty lies in feeling transient: 10 weeks is too long for a vacation, but not long enough to actually carve out a niche or settle into a comfortable routine. And I am longing for a sense of "home." Home is not a place, for me, but a state of mind, a sense of comfort, acceptance. I feel I could find something like that here, in this city, if given enough time. But not now. Not this time.


Originally, I had planned to write up an entry for Thanksgiving and Ireland, but never got around to it. In brief: my cake turned out well, and was not in fact, a lie *or* a wreck. Later, I had a harrowing all night journey to Ireland which involved sleeping in two airports (you wouldn't think it would be hard to cross the Irish sea, but it is when you're trying to do it cheaply). Ireland itself, however, was beautiful, although very, very cold. I drank a pint of Guinness, saw an extraordinary ancient Religious site at Newgrange, ate vast quantities of delicious food, entertained Elaine's nephew with my trumpet playing, watched Blackadder (Blackadder is my new hero), saw the coastline, collected pretty rocks, and had a lovely time. I traveled back by ferry, which was enjoyable until my long, arduous train journey down the Welsh coastline. I got into London around 1AM, and had a difficult time figuring out a bus to take me home. I swear, they hire Night Bus drivers on the condition that they maintain a surly, unhelpful disposition. As safe as London is, wandering any city, lost and alone, after midnight can be a scary experience. I was quite glad to make it back to Brechin Place safe and sound.

This past week has been rather uneventful. I've been sick, so I've been trying to rest (which says nothing for my staying up far too late). I had a lesson, and learned that I sound like a German trumpet player rather than an American one. I also, much to my terrible sadness, left my hardback copy of Rushdie's The Enchantress of Florence on the train. Poor book! Well, at least I didn't leave the trumpet behind. I've also been attempting to figure out Christmas gifts for my family, and have concluded that I'll be knitting *a lot* between now and the 25th.


Since I am becoming more tired by the minute, and I still need to write my three sentences or so, the rest of my thoughts shall be rendered in list form:
~I love silly webcomics! Seriously, the ones Elaine linked in her entry have provided me with way too much amusement, while rekindling my affection for bishies. Dammit, I thought I was out of my bishie phase. >_<
~The is very little angst that said silly webcomics, coupled with junk food, cannot at least temporarily cure. Unfortunately, this magical panacea does not do my homework while it improves my mood.
~Why the hell does it feel like everyone in the Universe is getting engaged??
~I wonder how many books the average Londoner loses on the tube per year...
~The next person I hear who describes anything as "A-mazing" will be throttled.

perhaps more later...I am losing coherence by the second...

I hate making travel plans. Part of the reason I only went one place over midterm break was because I didn't want to deal with multiple hostels, bookings, trains, planes, departures, arrivals, and all the various and sundry details of extensive travel. Intricate plans like that are difficult because it's so easy to slip up on one minute detail, or do the wrong thing. And when I slip up, I tend to freak out. I hate making mistakes. Yes, I know everyone makes them, but I always feel so stupid when I do and beat my self up over it with relentless precision. This time, I've screwed up my getting to Ireland plans. I booked a plane ticket that ended up being about $60 more expensive than I thought it would be, and will involve me either staying all night at the airport, or getting there ungodly early in the morning. I hate flying, and the fact that the ferry would have been cheaper (I thought it wouldn't be given the expense of getting to Edinburgh) galls me even more. What really gets me though, is that there are other people going to Ireland the same weekend as me, who I discussed travel plans in front of, who did not say anything. Thanks guys. Really. I just feel extraordinarily stupid, and travel planning rates up there among my least favorite things in the universe. Right up there with child molesters and people who talk in the theater.

Up until I managed to make some of the worst travel plans ever, today was much improved, to be honest. Class got canceled this morning, and while I'm not happy that my professor was sick, I had actual time to shower and go to the grocery store for cake stuff. Given my current luck, I'll either fail spectacularly at cake baking...or manage to burn down the whole of South Kensington. We still went to the afternoon concert though, which was nice. They actually used modern instruments, which was a breath of fresh air after listening to only period ensembles for awhile. Then we went on a tour of Shakespeare's Globe, which was interesting. I only wish we could see a play there. I want to be a groundling, and put my elbows on the stage. The best part of the day by far, though, was the Philharmonia concert, where I saw Charles Dutoit conduct the orchestra on a Beethoven Violin Concerto, and Mahler's Symphony No. 1. The Mahler was possibly the most thrilling, exhilarating part of my day, and I'm so excited that I'll get a chance to play it with the LU orchestra later in the year. Part of me, well, a lot of me....really wants to be at the Con right now, just playing music.

Music is everything.

I am rarely stressed out. I get annoyed, and anxious, but I do not often categorize my feelings, even while busily juggling classes and multiple ensemble rehearsals, as "stress." But, recently little things have piled up enough that I am experiencing a significant amount of stress, to the point where I can't calm down or stop trembling.

For one, I had a hellish experience with London transit tonight, and I still haven't got the adrenaline out of my system. It's mostly my fault: I left a little bit late to get to my lesson, and missed my train by about 30 seconds. Seriously, I literally sprinted from the tube to the train platform, and got there as the train was leaving. I wanted to cry. I can usually act fairly well put together, but the second something goes wrong, especially with transportation, I tend to lose it pretty quickly and panic. When I asked someone what to do, they suggested I take the high speed train to a place called Richmond, where I could get a cab. So, I tried to do that, but got on thew WRONG train to Richmond (the slow one rather than the high speed one). So, I broke one of the taboos of London transit and asked people on the train what I could do, and they kindly suggested I get off at a station at Kingston, where there would be cabs. Some of them even offered to let me borrow their mobile phones, which was extremely nice...if only I had thought to have my teacher's number on me. Well, I got off at Kingston...and there were no cabs. At this point I was really panicking--like, high pitched voice near tears panicking. In a fit of desperation I tried to call the London Centre from a pay phone to see if someone would pick up, and log into my email to get my teacher's number out of my messages, enabling me to call him and explain why I was running late. Of course I couldn't make the phone work. A train operator then suggested I just take the next train out to Hampton, which I did, finally getting there 20 minutes late (which is, all things considered, a lot better than it could have been). Thankfully, my teacher figured I had missed the train, and did come to pick me up. I was so relieved for that. The whole experience was so stressful, though, and I'm having trouble calming down, even 4 hours later.

Furthermore...the whole practicing fiasco? Seems our neighbors don't want us to play any time after 6PM, and not at all on weekends. Any music student can tell you why that's a problem. I don't know when I'm going to find space and time to practice now that it's so restricted, but tomorrow I'm going to ask the music professor here if we can use the rooms at the nearby Royal College of Music. I'd probably be happier there anyway.

I *still* don't know about housing. I sent them an email, and they haven't replied, but I'm getting really pissed off about the poor organization between here and Appleton. You know housing has fucked up when they can't find a single for a fifth year senior with a reasonably high lottery number. Thing is, I have to live with my rooming situation, whatever it is, when I get back WHILE putting a major recital together. Maybe it's unreasonable, but I feel like I'm DONE with the whole sharing a tiny room with a stranger thing. Freshman year, it was fine, because that was EVERYONE'S experience, and I got a long well with my roomie. Sophomore and Junior year, I roomed with friends, and last year, I roomed with friends IN HIETT, where we had a decent amount of personal space for a shared dorm room. Plus, I've had singles during my summers. I cannot deal with rooming with a stranger, not again. At least when I'm with friends, I know them, and I can be myself. I don't feel like I can trust a random person, and I feel I would be pretty uncomfortable, which is NOT what I need whilst trying to finish my music degree and find SOMETHING to do post-LU (I don't even want to get started thinking about post-LU). I need my space. I feel like I'm being punished for studying abroad, which is not a good feeling about something that's supposed to be a positive experience.

On the bright side, I'm visiting Ireland this weekend, staying with Elaine's sister. =)
I need to get my parents to forward me some money, though. It's hard to pay for my lessons up front.

It's very cold here.

*deep breaths*

I hope tomorrow is a better day...

Ok, I am really bloody pissed. Apparently, some of our neighbors complained about the practicing we've been doing. There are three brass players here, and I know I'm guilty or practicing until midnight one night. Ok, that was inconsiderate of me, I confess to that. Guilty as charged. Being rightfully called on it is not why I'm pissed. I'm pissed because someone apparently tattled on me for practicing at one in the morning after the Salisbury trip...which I DIDN'T DO. I came home, sat in front of my computer, chatted a little, wrote that last entry, and felt like shit for skipping practicing for a day so soon after Scotland. And if by some trick of memory I did practice and I'm not remembering, I probably shoved my silent brass mute in it which makes the instrument pretty close to, well, silent. I'm not so much annoyed at being told off for practicing at midnight...that wasn't very nice of me, but for someone tattling on me. I suspect my roommate, I guess, but it's important to remember that my dislike of her may be coloring my judgment. I want to hear back from housing soon. I am sick of worrying over whether or not I'll be in a single or stuck with some awful roommate. But, I've thoroughly disliked having a roommate here, and it's likely been the worst part of this whole London experience. I miss the con, and proper practice rooms. When there's only one practice room shared between 3 people, it's sometimes difficult to get practicing in during the day. I know I'm probably making something out of nothing, but I hate being told on.

On to other matters, I made pumpkin pasties yesterday, which were apparently good. Soon I'll be tackling a more ambitious project: Double layer chocolate cake.

Today we all went on a day trip to Stonehenge and Salisbury Cathedral: making an interesting juxtaposition of Pagan and Christian sites for one day. Stonehenge is...well it's a big pile of very large rocks (which certainly do not float in water)on a cold windy plain. I mean, it's cool to see, but it's good that we didn't stay longer than an hour, because there's only so many angles you can use to take subtly different pictures of limestone. It would have been neat to walk among the stones, but I can understand why they won't let tourists do that.

Salisbury Cathedral was, in my opinion, much more interesting: it's a pile of rocks in an architectually pleasing arrangement! But seriously, it was very, very beautiful: I am not yet sick of Gothic cathedrals, vaulted ceilings, or stained glass windows. We took a tour with a very grandfatherly old man, which was nicely plodding. I saw alabaster sculptures, and yes, my skin is the same color...now if only I'd been born in an era when lighter than white skin was considered beautiful (although, I've been told I look doll-like. Is this good or bad?). The baptismal font was exceptionally interesting: it was built to reflect the ceiling of the cathedral on the water's surface, which was very very cool. I took many pictures emphasizing this effect, which I shall post when I feel more interested in fighting with the internet.

After the cathedral, we had plenty of time to wander freely. My friends and I spent the afternoon relaxing in a coffee shop, knitting, and just hanging out (I love how my lavender cabled legwarmers have knitted up). A few of us have become worn out from the constant pressure to do and see everything in a limited time frame, and so having a lovely relaxing afternoon was the way to go. We had a play to see in the evening called A Month in the Country (based pretty directly off of the novel), which I need to present on come Tuesday or Wednesday, but am too tired to write down all my notes (yet I'm posting on live journal...I can't even REMEMBER the things I wanted to write down on either account).

On the ride back, I took my contacts out so I could rest my eyes and doze a little, and, it's interesting driving into a major city when your eyes are completely out of focus. From a distance, city lights look like smoldering coals, embers on the horizon. Streetlights expand into riotous globes, explosive as fireworks, or as delicate as dandelion tufts. Every once and a while, a billboard will come into sharp, fleeting focus. It makes you want to think about speculative physics...or perhaps I was just exhausted. In any case, riding home on buses in the middle of the night evokes deeply held memories of band trips and competitions, which bring a sense of peace, that all is right with the world.

Well, all is not right with the world, at least not my world, not yet. I wonder what it's going to take, to make the bitter taste in my mouth go away, or what will finally give me the complete freedom to let go of this. I'm aware it has to come from me, so don't bother telling me. I am also aware how stupid it is to feel upset, for no damn good reason about the same damn thing. I'm not looking for advice, just wondering out loud. Ranting.

Oh what an unfamiliar creature I have become...or perhaps the pendulum has simply swung back to cynicism.

PS: I saw the stars tonight, for the first time in ages. Orion is out, and Cassiopia, and the Seven Sisters. It reminded me, just a little, of the stars in Door County, and how wandering beneath the stars on summer nights remains one of my favorite things in the whole world. When I find someone who I can share it with, who will be content to lie in the field next to me and talk of the Kantian sublime and Tolkien's Elves and infinity, perhaps then I will be at peace and not in pieces. Or I could keep me all to myself.

I favor the latter option.

Save the date: Saturday May 2nd, 5PM. Be there or be...lame.

Other notes:
~I really, really am coming to dislike my roommate. It's hard to like someone when you spend all your time pretty much ignoring each other, or being disdainful. I hope, for my own health and sanity, that Lawrence comes through and gets me a single because I couldn't deal with living with another random person.
~I miss the gym. It's nice to get into a habit of working out and stretching, because you feel so healthy and energetic. Right now I feel groggy, distracted, atrophied, and stiff. Anyone want to come running/swimming with me when I return?
~I don't know what to do with myself today...